Words of affirmation: the love language of kind words

What does words of affirmation mean?

It is one of the five love languages described by Gary Chapman. People with this language take in care through words, spoken or written. A warm sentence can stay with them for days. A harsh one can stay longer.

It is not the same as liking flattery. The words work when they are specific and true. "Thanks for handling the call with my landlord, I was dreading it" lands better than "you're the best."

Signs this might be your love language

• You keep texts and notes that made you feel seen.
• You replay a compliment, or a criticism, long after it was said.
• You feel unsure of someone's feelings until they say them.
• You like to say thank you, and you notice who forgets to.
• You often write cards, messages or long replies to show you care.

Everyday examples

• A specific thank you. Name the action and the effect: "You stayed late to help, and it made my week easier."
• A note in a pocket or bag. Two lines are enough.
• Praise in public. Saying something kind about them in front of friends or family.
• A message at a hard moment. "I know today is big. I'm on your side."
• Saying what you love, out loud. Not only on birthdays.

What hurts someone with this language

Careless words cut deeper than they do for others. Sarcasm, harsh jokes at their expense and long silences after a fight are all hard on them. So is forgetting to say thanks for something they did again and again.

Another common hurt is the "you know I love you" reply. They do know. They would still like to hear it.

How to give it well

Start small and be specific. Once a day, tell your partner one thing you noticed and valued. Say it face to face or write it down. Avoid adding a "but" to the end.

If words do not come easily to you, write them first and send them as a message. Practice makes the spoken version easier. If you are unsure what to say, a short look at how your partner shows love often gives you the phrase.

If this is your language, how to ask for it

Say it plainly and kindly: "It means a lot when you tell me what I did well. Could we do that more?" Most partners are glad to be told what works. Give them an example so they know what you mean, and thank them when they try.

Common mix-ups

People who give words often assume others want words too. A partner whose language is acts of service may hear "I love you" and still feel alone with a messy kitchen. Speak your own language freely, but also learn theirs.

Find out where this language ranks for you

Words of affirmation is only one of five. Take the love language test to see how it ranks next to quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch.

Sources

Gary Chapman, The 5 Love Languages (Northfield Publishing, 1992). The wording and examples on this page are our own. This site is not affiliated with Gary Chapman or his publisher.