How to find your partner's love language

Start with how they show love

People tend to give care in the way they like to receive it. Think about what your partner does for you without being asked.

• Do they send kind messages and compliments? Think words of affirmation.
• Do they plan dates and put away their phone? Think quality time.
• Do they bring back small things for you? Think receiving gifts.
• Do they fix and carry and cook? Think acts of service.
• Do they reach for your hand or sit close? Think physical touch.

This is a clue, not proof. Some people give in one language and need another.

Listen to what they complain about

Complaints are requests in disguise. "We never go out anymore" often means quality time. "You never say anything nice" points to words. "I'm doing everything around here" points to acts of service. Write down the three complaints you hear most.

Notice what they ask for

Pay attention to what your partner asks for when they are stressed or sad. Do they want to talk, to be held, to be left a quiet hour with you nearby, or to have a task lifted? That request is often the most honest answer you will get.

Watch how they react to different gestures

Next time you do something kind, try a different type each week. Say something warm one day, bring a small gift the next, do a favor after that. Watch where their face lights up. This works best when it is gentle and not turned into a game.

Ask them directly

The simplest step is the one most people skip. Ask: "When do you feel most loved by me?" and "What is one small thing I could do more of?" Pick a calm time, not in the middle of a fight. Then listen, thank them and try the answer.

Invite them to take the test

If your partner is curious, send them to the love language test. It takes about five minutes, needs no email and keeps their answers in their browser. If you have taken it, press the share button and send your link, so they see both results side by side. Let them choose. A test taken under pressure gives poor answers.

Do not take the test for them

It is tempting to answer as you think your partner would. The result usually shows your own language, because you guess from what you would want. If you want to try, do it as a game and compare it with their real answers afterward. You may both learn something.

What to do once you know

Pick one small action in their language and do it for a month. Then read the guide for couples for how to talk about the gaps between your results, and how to keep the habit going.

A note on accuracy

Love languages are a simple frame, not a science of people. Your partner can value all five and may change over the years. Use what you learn to be kinder and more curious. Do not use it to settle an argument.

Sources

Gary Chapman, The 5 Love Languages (Northfield Publishing, 1992). This site is not affiliated with Gary Chapman or his publisher.